Parenting Misbehaving Kids
Dr. Ayesha Amir
You have had it up to here with nagging and
yelling and you can tell from your kids’ sniveling response that many of
your reprimands just are not working.
What is the best way to discipline children
today? Find out what other parents think and share your opinions.
Authors of different books concerning
‘Parenting a Child with a Behaviour Problem’ believe haphazard,
“let’s try this” approaches to discipline are often doomed to
failure. Rather than flailing about in the heat of the moment, they argue,
parents should actually plan what they will do when kids turn into demons.
You may be familiar with the following strategies, but perhaps unsure of
when - or even why - to use them. Here is a clear, concise guide to
dealing with kids who yell, hit, swear, won’t share, or refuse to put
their undies in the hamper!
Time Out
When It Works:
Few of the authors are big fans of time out, but recommend that you use it
sparingly, for “whatever you consider to be the most serious discipline
situations with your child.” Time out works well when children are
hitting, damaging possessions, or engaging in unacceptable acts of
aggression. The “timing” of time out is critical: Adhere to the
“minute per age” rule (a five-year-old gets a five-minute time out).
You can also choose to give toys a time out, if a child is throwing them,
or give a child’s mouth a time out if he or she is swearing or saying
something hurtful.
Why It Works:
When you remove children from a situation involving others, you deprive
them of attention and a chance to be where the action is.
When It Does not Work:
When it is overused. Many parents use time out as a cure for all ills,
only to discover its effectiveness erodes as it becomes the automatic
response to every minor infraction. Time out does not work for problems
like whining or “forgetting” to pick up your toys because cause and
effect are not so clear (“You are in time out because you whined” does
not ring true the way “You are in time out because you hit your
sister” does).
Caution: Do not use a child’s bedroom as a time out zone, assuming there
are books or toys or other amusements to keep him or her happy. Choose a
toy-free location that’s away from other people, but still close enough
so the child “can hear what everybody’s doing but not be able to be
part of it.”
Good for Ages: 3-9.
Charting
When It Works:
Keeping a chart, with stickers or stars to mark behavioural improvements,
works well with chronic problems like whining or messy rooms, the types of
things that drive parents crazy. Among other things, charting teaches
delayed gratification, “that you do not automatically get things because
you are cute, but because you earned it and waited for it.” In terms of
effectiveness, charts and time-outs are polar opposites: Time out does not
work when you use it all the time, while charts never work unless you do!
Why It Works:
A chart is a “visual cue” for kids; they do not just hear complaints
or praise, they can actually see change. It is a way to get them involved
in the discipline strategy; they can help make the chart or perhaps choose
a reward.
When It Does not Work:
Keeping a chart can be a difficult task for kids with attention
difficulties; lots of parental involvement is needed. Parents also need to
assess their own schedules; if you start a chart and do not have time to
keep it up, it undercuts the message that behavioural change is important.
Finally, do not start 17 charts. Your child may whine, leave dirty socks
lying around, and forget to do his homework, but focus on just one
behaviour problem at a time.
Caution:
Do not promise a trip out of station in return for a semester’s worth of
completed homework assignments. Even cards or candy bars are the wrong
incentives. The authors urge parents to use “gifts of time” to reward
kids for good behaviour. A family Monopoly tournament or a prized
half-hour extension on bedtime send kids the message, “When you behave
nicely, I want to be with you.” If there are no behavioural improvements
within a week, the chart is probably not having its intended effect.
Good for Ages: 4-12.
Logical Consequences
When It Works:
Try this when a child does not do his homework, “forgets” to clean the
litter box, or refuses to eat breakfast. In a nutshell, a logical
consequence is the process of discovering that if you do not eat, you will
become hungry. Grades will fall if homework is not completed; the house
will smell if the litter box is not changed.
Why It Works:
It allows children to learn first-hand what will (or will not) happen as a
result of their actions (or inactions.) Too often parents try to protect
children from the consequences of what they do, depriving them of the
chance to learn important life lessons. Using a logical consequences
approach to discipline eliminates power struggles between parents and kids
by keeping the focus on the child’s behaviour (“I see you forgot to
clean the litter box again, Saira. Gee, maybe tomorrow we will relocate it
to your room since the smell apparently does not bother you.”)
When it doesn’t work:
In dangerous situations. A child caught playing with matches should not be
encouraged to experience the logical consequence of getting burned.
Good for Ages: 6 and up
House rules
When it works:
House rules are an effective, pro-active strategy when children know what
the rules are, and what will happen if they are broken. Example: It is a
house rule that homework has to be done before the TV goes on. If the
homework’s not done, you lose TV privileges for a set amount of time.
Why it works:
It eliminates the need for parents to think on their feet, by making
expectations within the household very clear and consistent. It also gives
kids a chance to voice their opinions about what the rules should be and
how they should be applied. Many families post house rules in a prominent
place in the household.
When it doesn’t work:
House rules fail to improve behavior when adults make them up arbitrarily,
with little or no input from children, or when they fail to follow
through. If parents ignore a broken curfew, for instance, house rules will
cease to have any meaning and kids will ignore them.
Good for Ages: 4 and up.
Source: http://www.nation.com.pk/weekly/life/mar-2003/2/page1.htm |
