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| Abuse & Neglect
Question: I have been at wits end trying to solve problems in my marriage. Perhaps you can help me. Approaching any help in a western setting won't work because they don't understand how Islam comes into play. I have been married for 3.5 years. During this time my husband has gone between the UK and Canada. Never settling here. We have a daughter together and I have a son from my first marriage. I embraced Islam 5 years ago and my son's father was not Muslim but am lucky that he has no real issues with it. My son is almost 8 and confined to a wheelchair. He has CP due to problems at birth. My husband has never held a job and I have been the one supporting us with the exception of when I use his credit card when I just can't make ends meet. His family knows that I am living hand to move and never had the thought just to send me something in the mail to help out. They will send $100 sweaters for my daughter's birthday, but no money for milk. Go figure. This man has also been abusive on all levels. Broken bones, bruises etc. The last time he broke my arm I called the police and he was arrested for assault. I went to court and got him off with probation and his record will be wiped clean this year. He was made to attend anger control classes but just laughed about them. All his anger and frustration he says is my fault. He also says a lot of mean things about my son. I just put this to the fact he has an issue with a child with a handicap and perhaps he is reminder that I have had relations with someone else. He was very angry that I told his family about the abuse and his treatment of me. He was even more mad when I spoke to my Imam about the frustration I feel and seeking help what I could do. In classic form he wants me to drop all my friends and isolate myself from my family. I have told him that he has a problem and needs to seek help. But it is I that has the problem according to him. Textbook denial. He also has a problem with my mother who is not Muslim because she thinks he is scum. She sees me struggling to survive, always depressed and basically miserable. Though she doesn't understand my conversion whe i of the thought you are an adult and what ever makes you happy is fine with me. It is very tough when I am telling her about the respect women have in Islam, the importance of family etc when she sees this guy sitting on his backside. She basically thinks its all hot air. It is important for me to note that my mother has a life threatening illness and my father has recently passed away. I have been clear that she can;t live with me but I will be there for her as much as I can. He wants us to move here or there, which would be up to me to do, paying and doing all the leg work, so we could live far from my mother. I just can't up and go mainly for money reasons but also because I would feel guilt about leaving my mother alone and ripping her grandchildren out of her life, whom she loves dearly. I see this as a control tactic and when I express this it is I that is the one controlling. I also make the point that moving with two kids, finding suitable housing and having to support ourselves is tough. He has made it clear that he has no intentions of working because I depress himself so much. This doesn't float with me because he didn't work before me. But honestly I care about this person enough, and when things are good they are amazing I would be willing to look after the family in regards to money. His family are all highly well to do people, educated, great jobs etc. They are Pakistani but the children were all born and raised in the UK. After 3 years of marriage I scraped together the money to go finally meet them, they were very nice to me when I was there. But he now says they have said some rather nasty things about me so I have basically washed my hands of them. Just send birthday present on time and leave it at that. His sisters and I were quite close and now that has fizzled. He says I have turned his fa,ily against him. They say that he has always had problems and often just lies to get the conversation to go his way. His brother once made the comment that he, my husband, was always very keen to ensure I didn't have any contact with his family. I know our communication styles are different. I avoid confrontation at all costs and he will actually set up situations to fight. He says that I am not very open with him, which now is true because whenever I had opened up about things he at a later date throws it in my face. How does one find a mutual communication style? He won't go an talk with anyone because he feels that a) I will manipulate the person into liking me (I guess I have magic powers) and b) they won't understand him from an Islamic perspective. I think it may be that he knows that something may be wrong with him and he doesn't want to face the truth. There are also problems between us as husband and wife. He is only 29 and can't perform. He blames me (which crushes my self-esteem) and the fact he is "sick", but gives no details to this "illness". Yet when he is alone he has no issues with giving himself pleasure. I find this odd. I never pressured him into marriage, in fact I was the one who wanted to slow it down. I didn't even hint at marriage, it was he that was rather keen. And now his favorite thing to do is threaten divorce. Saying that he would walkout of his daughter's life. He has admitted the best place for her is with me. (Damn right there.) When I call his bluff he back peddles and there is a week of sweetness. My questions are this: Culturally are Pakistabi men really hot tempered and need to have their egos stroked like little boys? How can I work on getting someone help? I was even thinking of saying I had the problem to get him to go with me and letting the doctor know my plans. Dishonest I know but I am grasping at straws here. If someone is a danger to others and/or possibly themeselves, can I enforce treatment as their wife? Basically, Doc, this is a mess and I want to solve it. love him dearly, feel that Islamically divorcing him would be wrong because he is ill and I wouldn't bail on him if he had cancer. Or should I just ignore him and freeze him out, take the gamble that maybe he would smarten up and miss me. I l know hearing only one side isn't fair and you can't really tell me what to do. (Especially because I think bodylanguage is so important in your feild of work.) But if you can tell me where to start and point me in the right direction I would be grateful. Jazak Allah for for even reading this lengthy email. Allah Hafiz
Response: You have a real problem... but you need to understand this about solving problems: 1.
Not all problems can be fixed. Let me address your questions first: >>Culturally are Pakistani men really hot tempered and need to have their egos stroked like little boys?<< Depends on how healthy a family they grew up in... not all Pakistani men are weaklings just like not all American or Canadian or Irish or Arab men are weaklings. Over-generalizing such traits is too much of a stereotype and can't be accurate. It seems his siblings are OK. >>How can I work on getting someone help? I was even thinking of saying I had the problem to get him to go with me and letting the doctor know my plans. Dishonest I know but I am grasping at straws here.<< You can try that but generally it does not work. He might go once and then refuse. Self help works only if the patient is willing to work on himself. >>If someone is a danger to others and/or possibly themselves, can I enforce treatment as their wife?<< Depends on the State laws... in some States an adult cannot be forced into treatment, in others if they are a danger to himself or others they can be mandated to get treatment through a court order. But you have to prove how they are harming themselves... usually this involves showing a history of how they harm themself, record of previous treatments, hospitalizations, and failure of compliance to treatment. You might want to check the laws in Canada... I am not familiar with them. Now to answer your question from the Islamic perspective... Islam holds men responsible for the financial burden of the family. If a man cannot support a family he cannot marry. So the fact that he is mooching off of you is wrong. In such cases women are permitted to divorce their husbands. How does he get the money to travel back and forth, but lacks the responsibility and compassion to support you? He is mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to you. That is NOT a marriage in any sense of the word. That is NOT love either. Couples are to take care of each other's needs and are held responsible for that. Islam does not allow for abuse in any relationship, especially not in marital relationships. Families are not to be separated except for short periods of time if it is required for earning a livelihood. If he travels for work that would make sense, but he just abandons you and walks off; spending time wherever, doing whatever; that is not Islamic nor is it permissible. Insanity from the Islamic perspective is reason enough to divorce... especially if that was a fact he did not reveal to you before marriage. Honesty is a requirement of all contracts in Islam. Neglect or abusive treatment is not considered to be an insanity... he is very aware of what suits him, he is aware of the wrong he is doing but unwilling to admit and change. The fact that he was upset that you told his family and your Imam about his abuse tells me that he is cognizant of the wrong he is committing but unwilling to change his behavior. The fact that he 'back peddles when you call his bluff' is another reason to believe that he is fully aware of his games and chooses to not take responsibility for his actions. Next time he abuses you let him rot in jail for a few months, maybe it will knock some sense in his selfish brain. Don't enable him by making excuses for him. Don't break off ties with his family at his saying that they talk negatively about you... you don't know if he is telling you the truth. Do you think he tells his family the truth about how he neglects and abuses you? Do you think his family even knows that you can't make ends meet and that he does not support you at all? Don't assume they know the real situation. Talk to them and get more details about him and what he does when he is with them so you can make an informed decision. Islam is a very rational and realistic religion, it does not tolerate irresponsibility and injustice in any relationship. It holds all its followers - men and women, equally accountable for every minor and major action. We will be held accountable for every deed. Not only will we have to answer for any injustices we committed but we will also be asked why we did not get out of oppressive situations. So even though divorce is the most disliked thing to Allah, He has permitted it when staying in a marriage is oppressive and abusive... simply because one who is oppressed eventually becomes an oppressor... eg: a man abuses his wife and she abuses the children. A woman who cannot protect herself will be unable to protect her children... and as an adult she is responsible for the safety of her children. OK... so now about you... you can recognize his denial and his abuses... why don't you work on figuring out why you stay in such an abusive marriage? It seems to me that this marriage is not serving you in any way, there is no love or compassion, no support and no responsibility on your husband's part... so why are you in denial? You seem to have a good understanding of the dynamics of abuse but you are not paying attention to your own role in perpetuating and enabling it by staying in this situation... why? You are focusing on fixing him... can anyone fix another person without their willingness? Sometimes mother really does know best... obviously she can see through his games. As a Muslim it is your responsibility to respect and honor your mother, taking care of her in her failing health is absolutely necessary. Leaving her and moving to UK for what... for a husband who lacks any moral or ethical sense of responsibility toward you and his family... that does not make any sense whatsoever. May Allah Ta'ala guide you to do what is right by you and your children. Regards, Response to Response: But you did really strike a cord
when you asked why I stay. I am loyal, which when with the right husband
is a good quality. But when with a bad one is sheer stupidity. I just have
to figure out why I am a loser magnet. (I was always the kid bring home
stray puppies and sticking up for the kids that were teased. Compassionate
or other....) It has really made me sit and take stock. I have evaluated a
lot of issues and problems. I know that by being |