| Abuse Under The Guise Of
Religion
Question:
My sister is the mother of a 4 year old girl and two year old twin boys.
She is 31 years old and is married to a man who is about 47. Her
husband is a ranking member of Promise Keepers, the Manager of a Christian
Radio station and a Sunday school teacher in the areas largest church (one
of the largest churches in the country). I have recently discovered
that my sister has been mentally abused for the past 4 years. Her
husband blames her for any problems with the children and constantly takes
an authoritate role, portraying her as a sinner and him as a spiritual
leader, claiming his heart is pure, her's is the alternative.
He has demonized my parents and has not allowed to let my sister leave her
kids with my parents for several years. She has told me that on
occasions when she goes to my parents with her children, day after he will
attack my sister on how that exposer has negatively effected their
children.
After one particular arguement, my sister threatend to leave him and he
came back 2 days later with a 40 page list of issues that he would use
against her to get the children. One of these was bulimia, which my
sister suffered from for several years. She has said that the last 4
years living with this man was worse than anything she had experienced
while struggling with her eating disorder.
His dialogue of conversation with her is in the form of lecture. He
believes that women are to be submissive to their husbands and multiplies
that by 100.
Recently, my sister has discovered that her husband has been up until the
late hours, 2:00-3:00 a.m. viewing pornography. This is a habbit
that looks to be out of controll. He is on the computer late (he has
to work early the next morning) and hours when she is not home. He
may have a separate credit card.
Recently, he has shown signs that he is speaking down towards the 4 year
old, as he is to his wife. The 4 year old has said that she does not
like her daddy, he yells in her face and squeezes her hand. She
throws HUGE tantrums, is VERY moody and has become clingy to her
grandmother (my and my sister's mom).
My sister left him for 7 days and moved to my parents. She
confronted him in front of her "christian" therapist and told
him she knew about the porn and was leaving him. The first night at
my parents, he came over and asked her to come back. Taking no
responsiblity, he equated his viewing porn constantly to her going to bed
angry.
She struggles to get a divorce because she believes that it will harm the
children. After Christmas she moved back into the house with him at
the demand that he see a therapist and can no longer discipline the 4 year
old girl. At this juncture, my sister has said that she is repulsed
by her husband but he is being nice and following the rules she requested.
The main reason she is staying is because a friend of hers gave her
a statistic stating that children from abusive or disfunctional families
are better adjusted and face fewer problems than children from divorced
families.
Also, the 4 year old has complained about stomack aches and bladder
infection symptoms. She recently received a anurism and the results
showed no phyiscial reasons to explain the symptoms. She constantly
has to urinate. I thought that this might be caused by stress or
anxiety.
Do you have any thought as to the effect this may have on the children?
Langie
Response:
Hello Langie
There are 2 articles in the Spirituality section of crescentlife.com... 'What
is Spiritual Abuse?' and 'Religious
Addiction'... you will find them helpful to understand some of the
dynamics that are apparent in your brother-in-law's situation.
With your sister's history of Bulimia, her lack of self-confidence plays a
significant role in perpetuating the situation. She is depending on
him to provide her the structure that she lacks, letting him decide what
is right or wrong for the family. Her focus needs to be on building
herself and taking the responsibility of creating her own life, and
learning to discern for herself instead of giving this responsibility to
her husband. Both spouses contribute to the problem, he by being
abusive, she by enabling and allowing the abuse to continue.
Abusers do tend to isolate the 'victim' from their friends and family so
that they don't have any healthy support system that could help them 'see'
what is going on. Give your sister information about domestic
violence, and the support she needs in making this crucial decision.
His addiction to pornography is an issue that he needs to own and
address, blaming it on her is just an excuse and a cop out. Nobody
makes anyone an addict. This kind of brain-washing is also common in
domestic violence situations. Using threats and terrorizing the
victim is also common.
As far as divorce affecting her children, well, the marriage seems to be
affecting them negatively enough as is. Yes, divorce does affect a
child negatively, but so does a bad marriage. I have worked with
adults who say they were better off with their parents being divorced; and
with some who say that they wished their parents had stayed together.
I don't believe there is any conclusive evidence either way... what
really makes the difference is the stability and support given to the
children, whether it is in an intact or single-parent home. Seeing
parents abuse each other is extremely detrimental to the children, they
learn abusive patterns and continue to base their life on such patterns.
It would be a good idea for your sister to seek therapy, and she will need
the support of family and friends to pull through this.
Regards,
Uzma Mazhar
Note:
Religious abuse is not limited to any religious, ethnic, cultural or
national group. |
