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Question:
Asalamu Alaykum,  Im a little nervous about sending this email, but im running out of options.  you see im having problems with my marriage and i dont want to.  me and my wife fight about everything and i really dont want to fight i just want her to be happy.  most of the time my wife says things that make me upset and i know as a muslim man i should do my best to let it go, but its like a reflex i just have to say something and then it ends up getting worse because my wife is a violent woman and im not used to having people put their hands on me. so i grab her to stop her and in the end she always say that i was trying to hit her.  she says that when i grab her i have a look like i want to kill her.  I just want to control my anger and to be able to communicate with my wife without arguing.  I feel like their is no hope for us.  we argue about how many pieces of bread i gave her for food and what channel to watch on tv.  the craziest things.  Im very afraid that if i dont learn how to control my temper that i may lose her and my child.  please help and give advice.  Asalamu alaykum

Response:
Wa Aelikum Salam

Escalating anger is a common problem in relationships.  Being aware of the problem is the first step toward making changes... so it is good that you are aware of the problem.  So how to do it... there are a few things both of you can do together and separately.

1.  Establish a ground rule that yelling, screaming and hitting each other is not acceptable behavior by either of you.

2.  Make a list of behaviors and language that upset each of you and let each other read it. (eg: hitting, calling names, saying shut up, etc.)

3.  Develop a signal that you can use to let the other person know that you are upset and need time out to cool down before you can discuss the issue any further.  Decide on a signal together.  Be careful to not use it as a power tool to shut the other person up.

4.  Issues that you know always lead to heated arguments... start writing letters to each other about it until you learn how to talk without exploding.  Letters help as the other person can read it on their own time, there is no interruption, emotions don't run high and it gives enough time to cool down as well.  Respond to it in writing.  This helps in learning to listen to the other person's feelings without becoming defensive.  The more you learn about each other's fears and concerns the more compassion you will develop for each other, you will also learn how to HEAR what the other is saying without adding your interpretation or bias to it.  Often it is what we think the other is saying that causes the problem.

5.  Journal about your own feelings... try to figure out why you think and feel the way you do.  Most people don't realize that when we over-react to situations it is because we bring past unresolved issues into the present.  To know about your own issues, where & how they started helps separate the past and the present.  Feelings are cumulative... they build on each other and then the reaction is more intense than the situation warrants.  You may decide to share this information when you are comfortable enough with each other that your feelings will be respected.

6.  Learn to apologize when you are wrong.  The need to be right is often what makes situations escalate.  There is more than one right way to do things.

7.  Learn to pick which battles are worth fighting and which problems can be overlooked.

8.  Convey your commitment, respect and love to each other so that a sense of security is established... and you both know that you are in this together and need to work this out together.

9.  Tie your camel and then trust God... work at your problems diligently and then also pray for God's help.  Without working at our problems God doesn't change our condition.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
Uzma Mazhar