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Arguing in front of Children

Question: 
We have said over and over again that we will not argue in front of our children, but 
we still continue to do it and I know it is bothering them. How do we stop?

Answer: 
I am glad you recognize that it is not right to argue in front of your children, and 
that it is upsetting them.  It is also damaging them for a life-time.  

Children depend on their parents to teach them how to 'be'.. they develop their 
sense of self, their self esteem and in relation to that, how to relate with others 
from their parents.  

Children also learn how to handle conflicts and disagreements from their parents.  
When they see their parents being disrespectful, harsh and cruel to each other, 
they take that to be the norm, they learn that it is OK to disrespect.  That the 
only way to disagree is to yell and scream at each other.

Fighting also gives a very confusing message to children about love and loving.  
It teaches them that when angry you can be harsh and say cruel things to people 
you love.  

You need to set higher goals for yourself and your spouse and require more of 
yourself.  Habitual yelling and screaming matches are indicative of poor impulse control.  Everyone gets angry, but controlling how you express your anger is a 
matter of self-discipline.  It is a learned behavior, a destructive pattern of relating with others.  

Changing behaviors is not easy, it takes effort and consistency.  Old patterns are difficult to erase... not impossible though.  Each of you need to monitor yourselves, regardless of who starts the argument you do NOT have to take the bait... control your impulse to react angrily.  Let the other person know you will discuss it later in private.

There must be situations in your life where even if you get angry you do not fight, but control your anger... eg: work, neighbors, friends.... how do you manage to do that?  If you can control your anger with some people, you can learn to control it with your spouse also.

If initially it is difficult to talk about disagreements in a civil way, then write to each other... this is a time consuming exercise, but it makes it possible to get your feelings across without the other person interrupting or yelling.

Most importantly, you both need to look back into your own childhood and see how you felt when your parents argued in front of you... fear? anger? sadness?  Realize that that is how your children feel when they see you fight.  And that chances are that if they continue to see you both fight like this they will repeat this pattern in their adulthood.

Regards
Uzma Mazhar