| Can't Forgive Wife's Past
Question:
I have had a lot of problems in last few years...I have suicidal feelings, I know as Muslim suicide is haram but
I just feel like no matter what I do things are just not getting better.
If you meet me out on a street or in a social gathering you can't tell I
am depressed, I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to..
I am married... I moved to US, worked
my way through college, made mistakes, but kept on working hard, through friends I was introduced to my wife, she is
Ma'ShaAllah very nice and well educated.. but I think we don't
understand each other, we fight a lot, I lost my job a year ago, she is
working very hard, I am trying very hard to earn again, my un-employment is about to run out, I feel that her intentions /
behavior towards me is well meaning, but in these circumstances I feel
that sometimes I am not reasonable and very defensive, I grew-up in xxx, She grew up here in the
US... we had problems in past but things were just moving along.. Sept of last year one incident changed everything
forever, one evening she asked me to get something from the storage... as I was getting the stuff
I found
some pictures and love letters from her college boyfriend, a white male, I
was shocked, I never thought that she was like that, I was lost, I did not
know what to think or what to do, I confronted her, she was visibly shaken
and shocked, I start to question everything, because I was not sure why
she still had those things after over year of married life, I gave her the
benefit of the doubt, I know that she does not clean clutter, I believed
her explanation that she forgot about it, but I was lost, I know she is
very loyal and caring.
I believe I tried to put this incident
behind us, I am not sure if I have or I am able to.......... and now, I am
in terrible situation, I don't have a job, I am one of the ------ losers,
I have tried and tried hard find work.. I feel like I
can't accomplish anything, and when we have any disagreement it becomes a huge fight, We both try not to disrespect each other but feeling get hurt,
I truly believe she does not respect me anymore, she is just trying to
carry my dead weight.. She thinks that I am too
negative, I criticize too much, I always have a Islamic lecture ready, she
thinks I hide behind Islam because I have issues with her having male
friends (she has different definition of friend then I do).. I
feel like complete failure right now.. please help me
Wa-Assalaam,
Response:
As Salam Aleikum
I am sorry to hear about the difficulties that you are experiencing.
I will focus on some issues that are at the core of the problems... these
have to do with Islamic belief system that if understood helps us overcome
difficulties.
1. Life is about trials. Allah says in the Quran
that trials come to us through our own life experiences, through our
health, wealth, family, children, work... basically all areas of life.
eg: Having too much wealth is just as much of a trial as not having
enough.
If we are able to understand this then problems become a part of life,
they are expected and we don't let them overwhelm us. Instead we
view them as learning experiences, as opportunities that help us grow and
evolve. Doesn't mean they won't be tough, but our attitude toward it
changes... and our attitude is the main element that controls our life.
If we have a positive attitude we can take difficulties in stride.
2. The Quran tells us very clearly how to talk to
non-Muslims about Islam... with kindness, patience and politely... to not
argue or insult their beliefs. I believe this holds true of how we
must teach Islam even to Muslims. We are expected to respect
non-Muslims even when they disagree with us... we owe the same to Muslims.
3. There is a verse in the Quran that tells us not to
preach what we don't practice. If I am not a compassionate Muslim I
have no business preaching Islam because then I am a hypocrite. When
you are teaching your wife how to be a good Muslim but she can see you are
not... of course the message is not going to get across. Instead it
will make matters worse. If you are judgmental and critical,
impatient and unforgiving... what kind of Islam are you preaching?
Also... we have to learn to look inward first before we start pointing
fingers at others.
4. There is another verse in the Quran expressly telling
men to overlook some of the weaknesses they see in their wives because for
that one weakness there are many other good qualities in them. The
guidance being don't focus and obsess on negatives. The fact is
nobody can change the past... your grilling her is not going to make any
difference. The more you push her the more defensive and angry you
will make her. Instead learn to forgive. Your forgiveness is
what will touch her more than this grilling ever can. Everyone makes
mistakes in their youth... we have no business judging and punishing them
for their past. Everyone changes with time... if they are in a
supportive and nurturing environment. However, if we give them a
negative environment they are not going to want to be there... why should
they? You acknowledge that she is very nice... so focus on the
positives.
5. Just like you admit in your mail that you have made
mistakes in the past and moved on... why can you forgive yourself but not
your wife? Think about this... if you were treated in the way you
are treating your wife... would you have changed? Would you want to
stick around anyone who treats you harshly?
6. Finally... the most important question for you to
explore... is it a possibility that you are focusing on her shortcomings
because you are too angry and ashamed of your own failure? This is human
nature... we focus on others when we don't want to look at our self
because we know we don't like what we see.
I am not trying to be cruel or harsh or belittle your pain, but it is very
important for our own growth to be objective about our own self if we want
to improve the condition of our life. Focusing on others but not
examining our self will not change us or our condition... it will only
make us feel angry, resentful, helpless and weak. Our strength is in
seeking the truth and reality of our life.
Regards,
Uzma Mazhar |
