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of Mind about Marriage Question: Assalum Alaikoum I have a very delicate problem. In the summer of 2000 i got engaged to my cousin in Morocco and we wrote a Nikah without payment of the dowry, instead her father stated that he received the dowry for his daughter. When I came back I realised I made a big mistake by asking this girl for marriage because it happened on a holiday and i didn't get the chance to decide properly. I tried to talk about ending all this to my parents, that I can't marry my cousin, but they say they can't help me because otherwise it would make problmes within the family. Can you advise me on what to do with this delicate problem. Wa shukran Nourddine from Belgium Response: Wa Aleikum Salam Nourddine This is a delicate situation, with far reaching impact on many people. Your decision has to be based on long-term consequences. Nobody can make this decision for you. Hasty decision is what created this problem in the first place. To reach a mature decision you need to ask yourself many questions. Why did you marry her in the first place? Was it family pressure? Why are you changing your mind now? If under pressure you continue with this marriage will you be able to treat your wife with fairness and justice? Or will it make both of you miserable? What is the worst case scenario if you make your family angry? What is the worst case scenario if you go ahead to appease them and continue with this marriage? What kind of marriage will it be when you don't want to be with this woman... and add a few kids down the road? You have 2 alternatives... you can either deal with your family's anger now or sacrifice your own future happiness... as well as the woman who will get sacrificed by you and your family... since she does not know the truth of the situation she is not being included in this choice. In all fairness, you are also deciding her future and she needs to know the facts... she may decide she does not want to be with someone who does not want her. Being truthful and honest is difficult, but that is the only guarantee for a good life. Oftentimes the short-term consequences are much worse than the long-term misery of living a lie. This situation may also be an eye-opener for you to examine yourself... do you have the tendency to make hasty decisions under pressure... and then regret it? Making a decision for your own life... if nobody else will be affected by it is very different from making a decision that will ruin other people's lives... in your case this woman's life is also at stake here. Does your conscience allow you to ruin an innocent life? Step out of yourself a little and expand your perspective to include her... this is not just about you and your parents. Islamically... muslims are required to be honest in their dealings and to not do 'zulm' on anyone. It might be helpful to keep this in mind. Regards Uzma Mazhar |