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Dealing with Negativity & Criticism

Question:
Hi.
Well this is kind of confusing to to put in words since theres so many different things i want to mention.
Lately..Ive become really depressed. I always used to be kind of moody, but now its just worse. I try to be happy but i can't. I think the main problem is that i basically think im the worst person in the world, even though i havent done anything really wrong. I mean i've made mistakes..but not big ones..but i know what i did was wrong and i try to forgive myself for them. I can never say anything good about myself. I guess it might have something to do with the past. RIght now im in my first year of college. However throughout my 12 years of school, I've never had many friends..actually almost none..and the friends that i did have..always did something bad to me..and hurt my feelings. I literally was made fun of every single day and ppl said some mean things to me. So you can probably guess my self confidence isnt really high..i sometimes think i have none at all. I guess ive just felt extremly lonely for a long time.and practically invisible. I've also had ppl really close to me say pretty mean things to me. I know that the situation they were in made them fustrated i guess..and they took it out on me..but even though i know they probably didnt mean it..it just hurt a lot. Things have changed for me now MashaAllah..i mean i dont get made fun of..and i finally metsome ppl that i can call real friends and i dont feel as lonely..but i just hate it how i still dont think good of myself. Now..when ppl compliment me..i automatically assme..they're lying or trying to make me feel better..even though iguess deep down i know its true. i jst never admit it to myself..I think im being so selfish..I mean Mashaallah.. God has given me a lot. but those feelings..i just cant get rid of them. I try so hard now to be perfect to everyone ..cuz i dont wanna lose the friendships that i do have. I think if im not perfect..for my family and my friends..that no one will like me. I konw thats pretty pathetic..but i think that way all the time...but at the same time i HATE caring so much about what other ppl think of me. I mean i know I should only care about what God thinks of me..and if im a good person..thats all that matters. But i dont think that way smetimes. I seem to care more about ppl now, which i know is horrible. No matter what i do..i dont think im good enough. Im extremly insecure. I compare myself all the time to other ppl. I try hard not to..but doesnt work. I always think that if i died tomorrow..no one would care. I guess sometimes what i need is for ppl to tell me i matter..cuz in the past..i didnt get that a lot. Ialways felt useless..and like a bad person.
I would really appreciate it if u you could somehow help me wiht this problem. (sorry if it was a little confusing). I know it doesnt seem like a big problem, but to me..its getting to me A LOT.
Thank you  
Maliha S



Response:
Hello Maliha

It is troubling to be around negative people, especially those who attack one's self-esteem.  There are all kinds of people in this world.  The best way to deal with them is to recognize the difference and avoid those who are negative.  It is not worth being around those who zap your energy.  

Being 'nice' to everyone for fear that they might reject you does not help, as in doing so you are literally 'training' them to be abusive to you since you put up with them.  We train each other how to treat us, when we put up with ridicule or insults, we have shown them by our behavior that it is OK to insult me.  

One aspect of maturity and wisdom is the ability to discern between the good and the bad, in people and situations; and then to deal with each one based on the merits of the situation.  To treat every person and situation the same would imply that we don't have a sense of justice and fairness.  Now this does not necessarily mean that you become cruel and nasty with them... but that you make the choice of being around them or not.  

As far as you not being able to trust even the positive people in your life... that is a learned behavior and can be unlearned.  Trust is not what other people teach us (although it seems that way)... trust is about self.  
This is how it happens: when someone treats you badly and you feel hurt, angry or sad, but everyone else tells you not to let it upset you, or that you should not be so sensitive; you learn not to trust your own feelings/judgments, and assume that you are wrong.  This creates self-doubts... questioning your own assessment against those of others; most people in such situations doubt their own judgment (especially in childhood).

So now if you can trust your own instincts and judgment in discerning different people/situations and then act on your instincts in dealing with them, then you don't have self-doubts.  With practice you learn to trust your own judgment, and you will not question and doubt everything you do.  When you say that you don't believe the compliments, you are actually questioning your own ability to know the difference.  

This pattern spills over in other areas of life also, ie: difficulty in making decisions, second-guessing yourself, always questioning if what you did is right or wrong, blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong, etc.

As far as wanting to be 'perfect'... let me know when and how you become perfect... because then you will be the only person on this planet who has achieved that status and I would like to meet you.  ;-)  
Kidding aside... none of us can be perfect, the most we can do is to be honest, truthful, fair and just with ourself and others.  In relationships we always run the risk of hurting or losing someone, that is unavoidable to a great extent.  So then the question is... is it worth being around those who hurt or insult you?  In most situations it is not, and we need to have the courage to separate from them.  

If you want to look at it from the Islamic perspective, it is recommended to be around those who bring out the best in us.  
If you look at how the Prophet (saw) dealt with his family and the people of Mecca... he was patient, nice and civil with them, but when their abuses continued he left them, including his own family; and left Mecca... patience and being nice has limits.  People are not expected to be endlessly patient and nice.  

There are a few verses in the Quran that encourage people to stand up against abuse and ill-treatment... to the extent that we will be asked why we did not stand up and defend ourself... or leave the abusive situation.   Being passive, scared and nice in all situations is not the right thing.  Being nice has limits, tolerating abusive behavior is not a sign of wisdom or piety.  

Check out the section on Islamic Rights & Responsibilities: Defend/Fight Against Abuse/Violence on Crescentlife.com for reference to the Quranic verses addressing the issue of abusive treatment.

Personally, I believe that endless patience is illogical and irrational and would actually mean supporting abuse and cruelty.

Hope this helps
Regards
Uzma Mazhar