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| Fetishism & Paraphilia
Question: I am a male, almost 40 years of age, happily married, a father, and a practising Muslim inclined towards tasawwuf. I am writing to ask if you could shed some light on something that has been bothering me for many years. Since before I reached adolescence, and with greater intensity since then, I have had two fetishes: the wearing of boots (particularly lace up work/military types), and fantasizing about sinking in quicksand (though not about dying in it). From other Islamic sites, I know that having a fetish is not religiously objectionable, but I wonder if you could tell me anything about what it actually indicates, psychologically and metaphysically, about the person who has a fetish, and more specifically about someone with the kind of fetish I've mentioned above. Concerning myself, I don't know exactly when I became aware of it, but from an early age I liked playing make-believe games with my friends while wearing boots--usually role playing type games involving "manly" roles (soldiers, forest rangers, explorers, etc...characters that would in reality wear boots), and often involving falling into quicksand (make-believe of course). In such situations I usually had an erection. On various occasions in recent years, I have actually acted on the second fetish---always in a safe manner, and never accompanied by orgasm. (As a technical aside, it's almost always quite safe--not like what one sees in the movies!) The second fetish, whether fantasized about or acted upon has usually involved the first in some way or other. I have never employed boots as a direct physical means of sexual stimulation (unlike many boot fetishists)---nor do I want to! When I reached puberty, tall work boots, worn with the pants tucked in, were quite fashionable amongst youth in Canada. Almost all of my erotic dreams and masturbation fantasies during those years involved one or both of these fetishes; they never involved any homosexual situations. I was too shy to wear boots in public, though I did quite often in private. Eventually, when I started university, I bought a pair and began wearing them in public. My pursuit of these two fetishes has continued right up until today. The boot fetish has been troubling for me to varying degrees because when I've worn boots in public part of me has wanted to present myself as a sort of "tough guy"--while knowing that this just isn't the right way to behave--and part of me has wanted to synthesize the wearing of boots with an expression of the chivalrous ideals of manhood in Islam. I've had a fair level of success with the latter goal; I feel it is this higher meaning or association that makes me have such an attachment to wearing boots. Yet despite this I have found that many Muslim brothers and sisters look upon the wearing of boots in itself as just too bold, excessive and out of place. The quicksand fetish bothers me because when I act upon it, however much fun it may be, it in the end seems a bit pointless (to say nothing of messy!) I am embarrassed by the "hold" these fetishes have on me, even though there is something positive to (at least) the first one of them. I'm struggling to find the right "context" in which to express/pursue them. Sometimes I yearn to find other Muslims who may have the same "problem" so that, if nothing else, I would rest easy that there is someone else who understands me and just exactly what kind of a predicament I feel I'm in. Any help you could offer on this topic
would be appreciated.
Response: Since you mentioned an interest in Sufism,
I will answer from that perspective. Any attachment to worldly things is a
source of separation from God. In the long run, even if we try to
give it a positive twist, it is coming from the nafs or lower self, that
tends to indulge in interests that serve the ego. These attachments
don't help a person become a better Muslim or find a connection with God.
In a way you can compare them with addictions. Just like wanting to
smoke or drink gives a sense of high for the moment, these fetishes do the
same. So after you have satisfied that addiction what have you
really gained from it? You know the rational answer is 'nothing'. The only way to get over these attachments
is to think with your rational mind (aql/qalb), not the impulsive
animalistic mind that lacks foresight or wisdom. The typical
characteristic of the lower self is to make such things appealing and
attractive to us, then we try to justify them by giving them a positive
meaning... hence deluding ourselves into believing that there is some good
in it. Western psychology can find many ways of
justifying this addiction... since according to it there is no real harm
in indulging in such fetishes. However, from the Islamic/Sufic
psychology perspective, fetishes and anything like addictions is a means
of separation from the Source. Because of this separation we then
feel the emptiness in our soul that results in feelings of anxiety
and depression. Addictions being cyclical in nature... this
emptiness will again create the need for that substance to relieve the
tension and anxiety. So one just goes round and round... anxiety to
relief to guilt and shame to anxiety and so on. Breaking this
cycle is important, as that is what gets one out of it. It takes
time and one has to learn to tolerate the anxiety instead of giving in to
the demands of the nafs. Disciplining the nafs is the only way to go in
gaining control over it so one can move to the higher levels of self. Hope this helps. Regards, Response to Response: Thank you so much for your advice on these
matters. It was a refreshing
relief to have someone with knowledge of both a traditional and
"modern" psychology tell me, in effect, "Yes...worry about
it", unlike other advice I have found from Muslims on the net. Your comments served as a starting point
for me to really take a look at my self, and inshaa'Allah, find the
strength to "just say 'No!' " to those tendencies in my nafs
that have been egging me on with regard to these habits/obsessions; but it
will almost certainly continue to be a struggle by which, God willing, I
may become stronger. The important thing here though is that I feel I'm
pointed in the right direction now, and will be able more and more to see
things as they are, and effect some changes. |