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Homosexual Relationship

Question: 
Hello
I would appreciate any advice that you can offer for a problem that I have.

I am a gay man early 30's.  I have been in a gay relationship for over 3 years.

For the last year or more I have had uncontrolable urges to have sex related encouters with other men.

These encounters never go so far as penatrative sex and I can put other limitations on these encounters such as I never kiss or give blow jobs.

However I am spending more and more time looking for thrills.  I cant help but hang around public toilets, cybersex, go to known cruising areas and even flirt with other men in the open.

I am VERY concerned as I know this will result in my realtionship ending.  I cannot focus on important matters in my life.... ie realtionship, career, any quality time either alone or with my partner or friends... I tend to take any opportunity I can to play around with other men.

I am/have been feeling very concerned and down about this for a long time now and am aware that this is already starting to effect my relationship..

I am at a point where I know very well that what I am doing is wrong, I hate it and would like to seek some professional help.

Please can you advise what I should do to help myself.

Regards
Ben



Response:
Hello Ben

You seem to be aware of the damage your actions are causing in your life.  It would be a good idea to work with a psychotherapist in dealing with the sexual addiction and the sabotaging behaviors that you are involved in.  Addictions do tend to be overwhelming and take over one's life.  

There really is no magical cure for addictions, other than taking responsibility for oneself and the consequences that follow the choices one makes.  Being 'tempted' to flirt or get involved with other men is exactly the thing that is harmful for your healthy self and relationship.  Your willingness to value yourself, your relationship and self-discipline is what can fix this situation.  If you question yourself, with absolute honesty, you know what you need to do.  Most people have the answers within, except we don't always want to hear them.

You may also want to examine what is not working in your relationship, that instead of working on the relationship you are deliberately going out to ruin it.  What keeps you from confronting the problems in the relationship?  If you tend to avoid facing problems, chances are you will repeat this in any relationship you may have in the future.

Hope this helps.
Regards,
Uzma Mazhar