Husband's Fraudulent Lies
Question:
I need your help desperately. I am an african-american married to an
african from the Ivory Coast, and happens to be Muslim. We have been
together for two years, married for one year with a 9 month old daughter.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a prevoius relationship. I love my
husband very much, I'd do anything for him. I recently found out that he
has deceived me in everyway possible.
When I met him, he was working in a kitchen at a hospital where I work. I
later learned he was a medical student, working part time for spending
money. He didn't have to work because his mother back home in Paris was
wealthy and sent him allowances monthly. He explained that his mother
hired an attorney to help obtain his greencard. He was single and had no
children. No brothers or sister, aunt's or uncles, just his mother whom he
spoke of and talked with frquently. We dated, fell in love, I got
pregnant, and later we married. I was very happy, but lonley. I saw him
once a week beause he now attended medical school full time, spent much
time studying inhis dorm room and worked full time to prepare for the
baby. Although he never gave me any significant amount of money for bills,
expenses, food ect. I never questioned it much because he always had some
elborate excuse. Plus I make a decent living. He did provide insurance for
us, and he was my husband. Later, he took another job related to his
training in an operating room making more money as a Physician's
assistant. And provided additional insurance through another network not
affiliated with his new postion. He said,"My mother is a stockholder
with this group and he obtained insurance through her". Recently I
found that this organization does not have stockholders and they've
never heard of his mother. I learned he was employed at a hotel as a
doorman, and that's how we obtained this insurance. He was not a medical
student at the University like he claimed either, nor was he a
physicians's assistant, he transported patients from the ER to their rooms
once admitted to the hospital. I started fiding phone numbers of females
in his pocket, and started calling some of these people only to learn that
he was telling them the lies he was telling me about his exsistence.
Finally, I learned that he is presently married to someone else. Her name
happens to be the same name as his mother, which is also my daughters
name. His mother has been dead for 9 years.
The whole time we've been together he has always professed his undying
love for me, kept promising he'd stop with the lies and the phone number.
He promised me the realtionship with his legal wife was only business, but
I've since learned that was a lie also. He also has other children he
ignores.
Even now since we've separated he calls and swears he loves me and is
sorry for his mistakes. I'm scared, because I don't know this man. I'm
devastated, overwhemled, confused, and yes still in love with my husband.
But what is wrong with him. What happened to make him lie and treat people
this way. Please help me. Is there hope for him, our marriage? Please
email immediately, I'm truly confused.
kim
Response:
Hello
Kim
The issue here is not what is wrong with him, but what are you doing in
this relationship after finding out that your husband has been lying to
you, cheating and deceiving you. There
is no point in guessing why he does what he does, because the fact remains
that that is his pattern of behavior and he has treated other women the
same way.
Many women get into these situations, innocently enough, but the more
important issue is why do they stay even after they find out the truth.
Nobody can know what the other person is like until they have
dealings with them, and manipulative people are very very good at covering
up their lies and deceptions. So don't beat yourself up for falling
in this trap, but open your eyes now that you know the truth and protect
yourself from further abuse. This has to do with self-worth... what
is it in you that allows you to continue being mistreated and abused.
Your focus needs to be on how to build your sense of self that
deserves respect from yourself and from others. Your contribution to
this problem is your enabling him to continue with his treatment of you.
Deal with your loneliness, fears and desperation.
Read
about co-dependency. 2
books on this subject are:
Codependency No More by Melody Beattie
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Hope this helps.
Regards,
Uzma Mazhar |
