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| Married or Not Married
Question:
Answer: Why are you waiting to get married in (name
of city removed), its not as if there aren't any Muslim Imams in the US
who could perform the function? If he is not a practicing Muslim most of
the time then what is the big deal about getting Islamically married, that
too only in (name of city removed)? This
sounds more like an excuse than a genuine reason. It seems you are legally married, but he is
treating it as an engagement at times but acknowledges you as a wife
sometimes; you think you are married... and yet there is no intimate
contact... this is strange. I
would question this lack of sexual interest, his lack of libido may be a
problem that would affect your relationship later as well. Your instinct to not have faith in him or
doubt his love for you are pretty much on target, living on promises for 3
years is a very long time... if he is genuinely & seriously committed
to you he needs to afford you the respect due to you as his wife, he
should either honor the contract as is, or if marrying Islamically is such
a big issue with him he needs to find an Imam locally and do the right
thing. It is unfair and cruel
to expect you wait around for him this long.
You need to also question your passivity and acceptance of this
situation. Why are you
putting up with this situation? Islamically, it is not allowed to 'hang on'
to women if a man does not give them what is rightfully theirs... ie:
intimacy, support, respect. As
a matter of fact they are entitled to a divorce when the husband is not
honoring his duties toward her. Sūrah Al-Baqarah 2. 231 Sūrah An Nisa 4:19
I cannot guess what his intentions are but
living in this state of limbo is strange.
Take charge of your own life, find a local imam, get the facts from
him and make your own decision about how you want to live your life.
The fact that he loses his temper when you bring up such an
important issue is also suspect... he expects you to trust him but is
giving you no explanation or valid reason to continue being with him. Hope this helps. Follow up Question: The reason I stay is I made a commitment
not only to him, but to God on my wedding day.
And I care for and love him and want his love.
Or the love he promises. How do I approach an Imam?
My husband says they usually don't talk to women.
I have been to the local mosque for Women's group on Fridays.
I used to feel that Islam was punishing me, but I know it is not.
I read a book on Muslim Marriage and felt great about it and told
my husband...or whatever he is. He
said well you are not Muslim so this doesn't pertain to us.
I feel so confused. I
saved myself for God, marriage, and my husband.
How would I talk to an Imam? Could
he help me see? How could I
get my husband to go with me or is that as impossible as it seems? I've been to Morocco and met his family.
I love them very much. He's
had a hard life and I feel that I don't want to give up on him, but...I
have been praying that God has mercy upon me and shows me what to do.
I have also been praying that God watches over him and keeps him in
the Palm of His Almighty hands. He has even said this summer we have a
decision to make. To get
married or not. I have tried
to explain that I am married. How
do I go about life and please God for the marriage commitment I made and
being a good wife? He says I
am mentally disturbed and I need to work on that and try to make him want
to marry me. I truly would love to know-not just believe-the truth on how
he feels about me. Follow
up Response: He is wrong in saying that Imam's don't
talk to women. That may be
the case in some extremely conservative mosques, but generally they do.
Since you have been to the mosque, check out with some women there,
find out if it is a conservative, restrictive type of place... if it is
then find another mosque. You
don't want to go to a misogynist mullah... believe me they exist.
I don't know what city you live in, maybe there is more than one
mosque in your area. Find one
that is respectful of women's rights.
As far as your rights as a wife... there is
no difference in them whether you are a Muslim or a non-Muslim.
The husband is supposed to respect his wife's rights... actually
even more so if she is not a Muslim... to the extent that he cannot stop
her from practicing her faith. All
other rights are the same. The
Quran talks about the rights of a wife without qualifying the faith of the
wife as a clause of how men are supposed to deal with them.
Don't let him tell you any different.
Your rights as a wife are exactly the same as that of a Muslim
wife. You have to realize that he is not a practicing
Muslim, he obviously doesn't know much about Islam, he is practicing
whatever he finds convenient for him... his knowledge is next to
minimal... STOP listening to him. He
is distorting Islam to suit himself. Study about women's right, talk to the Imam
with confidence, demand your rights... don't let your husband or Imam give
you the impression that you don't have any rights as a wife.
You are married to him by law... he follows other laws of this
country doesn't he?... so what makes him think your marriage is not legal? Another thing you need to look at... I
don't know what either of you do for a living... but he has no problem
living with you in the same house, using your money to meet the household
expenses... but he has the gall to say you don't have any rights?
He doesn't want to respect or honor your rights because it is not
convenient for him. He has
excuses that he claims to be Islamic reasons... but this is abusive, he is
using and abusing you... mentally, emotionally, financially and
sexually... all of these would be Islamically acceptable reasons for
divorce. Withholding love and
affection is just as abusive as violence.
A relationship is not a one way road, but that is how it seems to
be in your situation. As far as making a commitment to God... I
can respect that feeling... however I doubt if you knew what the situation
would be once you got married. He
is not honoring that contract. The
reality of a marital relationship is something people find out only after
they get married... then they have to deal with the reality... and that is
why Islam allows women to get a divorce.
According to Islam, when one party misleads a person into believing
something about them that they later find out to be false... that party
has the right to end the relationship, since all contracts are to be made
in honest faith and trust. As far as loving him and that he had a
tough life... I can understand that, but it still does not mean that you
allow him to abuse you. Loving
does not mean enabling someone to mistreat you or walk all over you.
There is a difference in being patient in difficult times and being
passive. Obviously he has
serious problems, but he doesn't see his problems; he is shifting all the
responsibility to you, blaming you for not being the 'right' kind of wife
that he could desire? Does he
ever ask himself if he is being the kind of husband you would desire? What you finally decide to do about your
situation is your choice... but don't let yourself be misled into
believing that you have no rights as a wife in this relationship.
Read about women's rights and know that you have the same rights as
any Muslim wife... which are a mutually loving & supportive
relationship; meeting your mental, emotional, sexual and financial needs;
respecting your faith & views; consulting with you before making
decisions; respecting your financial independence, ie: not taking your
money as if you owe it to him unless you allow it.
I am glad you are reading about
codependency... also read about abuse and rights of women in Islam. May God give you the strength to deal with
reality and make it easy for you. Regards, |