| My Mom is the Problem!
Question:
Assalaam-alaykum
Thank you for taking my concern:
I am facing a very frustrating and disparaging problem. I'm 31 I have an
illness-i.e. Bipolar and one reason I believe I have this illness is because of my mother. If not for her genetic family history then her behavioral patterns with me. ALthough my brother and sister each don't have a psychological illness. The problem is that I am running out of any sort of steam to make any consorted effort towards any progress in my life. In 1992 I was dismissed from Dental school and subsequently I went to Physical Therapy school but didn't finish that either. I am REALLY run down from a very difficult road I have travelled since '92. I apologize about this message as well since my first attempt to write this was destroyed by my computer so I am trying to redesign this message.
I do have a bachelors degree in Psychology and with that I can work a minimum livelihood but I don't know if parents are gonna let their daughters marry a "non-professional". I feel like I've been hurting my father's pocketbook and many people's patience is running out with me and my
endeavours. I feel so dead. I have little or no friends I can talk to (mainly because the community doesn't really care about how I'm doing rather what I'm doing). I've tried the internet as a way to find a marriage match but its never resulted in a marriage. Another thing is I am not ashamed to say that I am a virgin but its been extremely difficult to maintain this as Islam directs us to do. But sometimes I wish this wasn't so and that meeting someone for sexual purposes would be 'therapeutic'. That's one of the reasons why I am hesitant to move out of my family's home but still I have the problem of feeling dead. or numb. I'm in
CHicago. I'm taking 3mg Risperdal bid, 60 mg Geodon bid, 150mg Wellbutrin bid, and 1000mg Depakote bid. I will be seeing a therapist soon in a few weeks when the appointment will be made. Again I apologize for this rushed message.
A little about my mother: She is a hard-headed woman who just does not listen to anything you say. I feel like she has denied me much in this life. Yes, she cooks and washes my dirty clothes but if she'd only listen with some sanity in her head. with some patience. ITs her way or Hell!! The problem is we respect our mother. But if we do that she'll cut us down from every angle. Her mind is 24hr. alert!! She thinks she's the only one in the Universe or something. Her education is up to elementary school and she was raised in a remote village where women were not allowed to step out of the home. So she had only been out of the house a few times but that doesn't explain why she is the way she is.
.....ANd she is Brutal. SHe has a brain except she doesn't use it. When we used to sit down to fit a jigsaw puzzle she would try to force the pieces in and when you told her not to do that she continued to do it with other pieces. I think that that's the capacity her brain has but I'm not entirely sure. I've always tried to change her or to mold her but its like I just crumble when ... well that's all I crumble. (break)
THe problem is my mother is scared to lose and my failures are a sign for her that its okay to lose. but she doesn't grasp on to that notion, because she sees all the other kids succeeding and not me so she wonders its my illness and she's always defending me and I don't know why exactly. I'm at a loss for words now so I'll stop here.
Thank you again,
M >>
Response:
Hello M
You seem to understand your mother well. Use this information to your advantage instead of trying to control, change or fight her. She is the way she is... accepting the limitations of the other person is wisdom.
Focus on what you are doing that is creating problems in your life. You didn't mention why you were unable to finish dental school or the physical therapy program. Look at what you do that does not work. Don't waste your energies on blaming mom.
Therapy should be very beneficial if you go into it with an open mind to look at YOURSELF. Therapy works only when we go into it with the courage to face our own shortcomings. If you only want to hear that mom is the problem then where do you go after that? So, let's assume mom is the problem, what now? What makes the problem worse is your reaction to her. Granted that mom has had an impact on how you are, but you have the choice to continue letting it affect you, or making the necessary changes if you want a different outcome. Ultimately what works for any one of us is how we create our own lives. What we think, feel and do with ourself. Everyone grows up with some adversity, that is life. How we handle that adversity is health. Our attitude toward our problem is what makes life better or worse.
I am not being insensitive to the problem you have with mom... mom is what she is, that is a fact of life... where do YOU go from here? What do you want to make of your life? What are you NOT doing to make your life work? Why are your siblings able to handle mom but you can not? My sense is that you have learned helplessness and are dependent on others to make things right for you. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Quit blaming mom. Quit hiding behind mom. Learn to overcome your anger and resentment toward mom. Move on with your life. Victim mentality is the most damaging way of living life. At this stage you are harming yourself more than your mom is.
People with Bipolar Disorder are capable of leading successful lives. Continue with your medication and be open to receive therapy.
Hope this helps.
Regards
Uzma Mazhar
Follow-up Question:
Assalaam- alaykum and Thank You for your courteous Response:
I want to reply without my computer disturbing: Not only do I have learned helplessness but my computer also so I won't blame my computer either (ha ha).
I remember once upon a time I was giving a talk to some summer campers in Wisconsin and I mentioned something about the SITUATion we are in determines our outcomes. and that's precisely what is at the heart of my problems because everytime I get up and try to go strong I always get slammed in my face. Let's say if I didn't get slammed in my face then I wouldn't have any problems now would I. My SITuation basically is that my home environment is a very sedentary environment for any productive and meaningful endeavor. Being brought up in a middle to upper middle class neighborhood I've had a great many opportunities in life but my home life is what's keeping me dragging along. When I live away from home which I've experienced briefly for months at a time I am truly myself Energetic, Vivacious, Full of life, getting really good grades and Always upbeat helping others solve their problems! But the problem I face is getting out of this situation. I'm gonna be frank with YOu That it REALLY REALLY WEARS me out when I think of changing my situation because so far I've tried maybe six or seven times over the past eleven years to do this but for some type of bad luck or ill-planning I ended up back home!! Mostly it was my health (like it was in Dental School and
P.T. school). E.g. I would either have some psychological symptoms reoccurring or I had to come back home for a wedding or job problems etc. My dad has little or no money since I have very little myself (due to long periods of unemployment) to spend. So I'm looking into possibly getting a loan but as I said I'm so Worn out I don't know what choices I have left. My humor should indicate that my family has tried and made much progress in tolerating my illness and we do have a balanced home life except that it doesn't run on the same wavelength I've accustomed my head to work at the college-university level. Another viable option can be moving out of my home in the same city being Chicago (instead of travelling to Toronto where I'd love to go since it was my childhood years I spent there). Moving somewhere in chicago with some college going roommates is possible granted I find some good roommates but I all that money "when I could be living at home" (quote unquote). My situation is not difficult to comprehend but IS DIFFICULT TO RECONCILE. and has some facets which seem like it cannot be broken and that is and I say this from the possible lips of parental authority
1)"one who is unhealthy should live at home even its a depressing environment for that individual"
2) "one should not spend money Unnecessarily"
3) "Look at this kid look at that kid they live at home and they are making it"
and several other components which keep one locked into their proper place and order! making one feel extremely guilty and self-conscious in making the right decision for his/herself. (pause) This is when I feel very beleaguered and empty-handed and I feel like I have no tools to build my future upon. My college friends are all but married and don't keep in contact with me- Shame on them! My community friends well, I've disembarked from them too. The reason why I had to leave Dental School is very sad actually and sticky so I won't get into it. My only true friend left me in '95 and she ended up liking a Hindu doctor from MIT who drove a Porsche. Shame on her! Due to all of these events I've ended up in the hospital about six times even ended up in worse situations. I think there is a saying that goes along the line that
Allah(S) tries the best of us with the most diffulties. I think that might be true in my case cause in my community I was widely known as a leader amongst the youth and very athletic and handsome and looked promising into a bright future career. I went through some of the most difficult times in grade school with prejudice from kids who picked on me for religious reasons (it had an altering effect on my personality and my view of America as opposed to Canada which I love dearly close to my heart).
Okay enough about problems (like the Buddha said ...All of life is a Tragedy etc) ;;;;; solution= The ideal solution would be to get my mom and dad and me in counselling sessions so that we can figure out a way TO GET ME THRIVING IN A BETTER SITUATION; and back on my feet again. In '96 I did try that route w/o success for some reason with Hamdard in Addison, IL since my mom can't speak English. Another agency is Asian Human Services on Lawrence/Broadway St. but I don't know of the best option at this point maybe you can help me find a counselling center where they speak Urdu or an Urdu-speaking counsellor in my area (I'm in Lincolnwood ~about ten minutes from Devon just north of Chicago) who charges maybe $50 or less/hr (since my dad does not have much work these days and I don't have insurance although I am applying for Medicaid but won't receive it for several months now). Thats a Tall order but you've helped me to this point and I am very thankful for it indeed. Following through on this Inshallah will carry me through.
Thank You So Much!!
Sincerely,
M
Follow-up Response:
Ok M... the problem is that you are overwhelming yourself, scaring yourself by looking at the whole picture and trying to solve everything at the same time. Sometimes the best way to solve a complex problem is by breaking it into smaller pieces and addressing one issue at a time. This makes it less threatening and more do-able.
Some things you might have to put on hold while you address the more pressing problems. And some you have to accept as is, whether you like it or not. The first issue that you need to look at is your own attitude. As I mentioned in my previous mail... your family environment is something that is not going to change, just because it does not fit your idea of what it should be like. Since it is obviously working for the rest of the family, chances are they will not change to suit you. So your attempt at finding counselors for family sessions is useless. Work on your self! Sometimes children have to move on without their parents, quit hanging on to their apron strings and tagging them along.
I am glad you still have a sense of humor... it always helps. And of course you are all worn out, you are spending all your energy fixing others instead of yourself. You answered your own question when you wrote <<'My situation is not difficult to comprehend but IS DIFFICULT TO RECONCILE'.>> Reconciling with a bad situation is about attitude.
You seem to have a lot of strengths, but you seem to have stopped believing in yourself. Strength is about doing what it takes despite all odds. Trust yourself, believe in yourself, work on yourself.
Regards
Uzma Mazhar |
