| Moving
to another country so ex-husband can have contact with daughter.
Question:
During my 7 year marriage my husband was emotionally and on
several occasions physically abusive. After our daughter was born he
said three separate times that he would kidnap her to his home country
of Algeria.
He went to work for his brother in Norway when our daughter was 8 months
old for aprox. 6 months. I came to stay with my family in Canada. I
decided that I could not remain in this marriage and would like to stay
here in Canada. My husband says we can divorce but he wants easy access
to our daughter and that he wants me to return to London. Do you think
that I am obliged to return. He says that he is very sorry. He says that
he would never take her from me but how can I predict how he will feel
years from now or if I ever remarry. Any ideas?
Safiyah
Response:
Hello Safiyah
No, you are not obligated to return to London. Since you are
planning to get divorced, it makes more sense to be around family for
support. Unless you have family in London, what is the point of
putting yourself in such a situation.
The fact that your husband was abusive is enough to NOT trust him solely
for the well-being of your daughter or yourself. Abusive men don't
change overnight, unless he has sought treatment for it, I doubt he has
changed. The convenience of having his daughter near him is
something he should have thought about when he was abusing you. These
are the consequences of his actions and he needs to deal with them. You
do not have to go out of your way to make his life easy for him. Be
cautious and take his threats seriously. Protect yourself and your
daughter. Unless he shows you that he is worthy of trust by his
actions (not easy words), there is no reason for you to be naive and
trusting.
Regards
Uzma Mazhar
Follow-up Question
Thank you so much for responding to my e-mail. If you have time I would like to ask you another question.
Do you think that my husband would be able to change with the help of therapy. I feel so sad for him. I feel sad for me and daughter. I feel that my husband has good qualities. He comes from a dysfunctional family. His father beat his mother and all the children. Two brothers that married in Europe were divorced by their wives because of their physical and emotional abuse. My Norwegian sister-in-law allowed her ex-husband to take the children to Algeria while she was recovering from depression (the husband had been physically abusive for 14 years) and he has now refused to return the children to Europe.
My husband has said that he will go to therapy but as yet has not gone. I don't know if it is stubbornness on my part but I want to cling on to the idea that the marriage could work. I so want the marriage to work. I want my husband to be the honourable person I know he could be.
I am still in Canada telling him I need time before I decide what is best for me and my daughter. (My husband expected me to return 10 months ago). I still feel love for him. He has been very kind and said many times that he is very sorry and that he was blind to how badly he was acting. He says that I have every right to divorce him if I want to.
He is feeling stressed because I am stalling with my decision and today when I spoke to him was verbally abusive. I can't repeat what he said but it was of a sexual nature and to me shocking. He has called me a bitch before but nothing like this. I feel like I am in a kind of hell. I so want us all to be happy. I feel terrible to just leave him totally. I feel that he is so lost. He could be so loving and funny sometimes but then would be so badgering over small things. He thinks because I am European I have lax values. I guess I want to change him but I can't and he wants to change me and can't. I was never ever physically or verbally abusive to him though. I just wanted him to be more tolerant and to respect my view point and the fact that I grew up in a different culture to him. I love theatre and music and dance and once mentioned that our daughter would study dance and he lost his temper with me. I must sound pathetic to even contemplate going back to this. I just don't know how much of the problem was caused by husband's emotional problems or if we would still have difficulties because of his (in my view) rigid interpretation of Islam. So many Muslims I meet or whose interpretations I read seem to have views similar to my husband. I don't know if I am able to be a Muslim if they are right and Islam shuts us up in these tight little boxes that we are frightened to look out of.
Sorry to go on and on. I am very distressed.
Safiayah.
Follow-up Response
Hello Safiyah
It is normal to have doubts and to wish for a happy life. It is normal to also feel sympathy and pity for the difficult life that makes one abusive. It is also normal to want to help and hope for the best. It is also normal to grieve over the loss of home and marriage.
Your husband's background is similar to that of most people who are abusive. Abusive childhoods often make abusive adults.
However, the issue here is whether he is capable of changing. I strongly believe that most people are capable of changing... BUT it involves a strong commitment and effort. Change is difficult but not impossible. People who are willing to work hard do change. The process of change is painful as it involves examining the painful past... and many people are scared of doing that. Generally, the percentage of men who seek and stick through therapy is very very low.
So, I can't predict if your husband will change or not... but if so far he has not taken any actual steps toward it... that does not sound very promising at this point. It will be a risk that you have to measure... if the good in him outweighs the bad and you want to make this marriage work... just know that it is not an easy road.
Both of you will need to decide on a plan for what is expected of each other if you get back together. There need to be clear boundaries of what behavior will be unacceptable... eg: abusive language, physical violence. And both of you need to be in therapy... individual and marital.
Regards
Uzma Mazhar
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