| Negative Feelings About Self
Question:
Hello,
Hope you can provide me with some insight or a new perspective because the old is not working. I am a 49 year old twice divorced woman and mother of a 32 yr female and 29 year old son and grandmother of 1-10 yr old female. They are Ok, nice people and well adjusted.
Since I was married and a mother at 17, I have spent the majority of my life caring for my children on my own, working full time teaching at a college and going to school. I finished grade 12, a BN, an MEd, and currently I am finishing an EdD in health education (nursing
focus) health professional. My sister, brother, mom and I decided that my 87 yr old mother should live with me and after some renovations and reorganizing she came here In June 2000. She died in Oct after 7 days in the hospital with bladder cancer. She had a good life and a good death. My mother loved me but did not like me but we were OK together.
The problem is I feel like something is wrong with me. I don't think I like myself. I wouldn't pick myself as a friend. I sometimes feel like I am incapable of feeling anything for anyone anymore...I think I used to. I have been treated for depression twice and currently am taking Prozac which I have cut to twice a week. I am still unhappy most of the time, lost joy in most things, am enjoying my dogs more than people, fearful of my professional abilities, feel
undesirable, fearful now of relationships with men, have no interest in sex, and I feel ugly. I feel disappointed and am tearful at times. I think now about my life 'what was it all for'? Rationally I know that I am worthwhile and have some talents etc...but I don't feel much... somewhat numb and I would have trouble with self image like trying to describe myself to others. I don't know how to sort this out.
Can you help or advise me...give me a direction.
Thanks, Dee
Response:
Hello Dee,
It is not uncommon for people to start examining their self and life at a later time in life, after they have taken care of all their immediate responsibilities and now have time to devote to
themselves. Most often it does trigger some associated depression. Life seems
unfulfilling and empty. This becomes the time when one starts looking at their 'philosophy' of life. What does life mean to ME? Why am I here? What higher purpose do I serve?
If you start journaling about your feelings and thoughts... and once you are past the immediate complaints about the state of your life... digging deeper into everything that comes up for you... (this is done by asking 'why' of every answer you come up with)... your deeper, subconscious thoughts will be revealed to you. These deeper thoughts are often unknown to us at the surface level we tend to stay at. These
thoughts reveal a core belief system about ourselves. What do I really, really believe about myself. Cognitively we often train
ourselves to have positive thoughts about self, but if the core belief is negative, then one does continue to feel negatively about self. Uncovering these core beliefs is very important.
Think of it this way.... there is nothing that exists in this universe that was not a thought before it became a reality! Every single thing was an idea before it was created/produced. We are the same way. Our thoughts create us. Thoughts create feelings, and feelings create actions. So all negative thoughts/beliefs will create negative feelings, which will result in negative action toward self and others.
These core beliefs are the product of the childhood environment. When a child is reared in a negative environment, the child internalizes it, and believes that about self. Negative environment does not mean it has to be some devastating trauma... just the fact that a child is in a world of adults is enough to generate some sense of helplessness and insecurity. This has an effect on the faith the child has about self, creating self-doubts and insecurity. When examining your beliefs you will access memories and feelings about early experiences. Question those beliefs... are they
really what you believe in now, based on adult experiences and reality.
These thoughts play like a mental tape in one's head... eg: if someone makes a comment about you, it generally triggers a mental tape of beliefs... either agreeing or disagreeing with that comment... ie: let's suppose someone says 'you did that'... a neutral comment, and your mental tapes goes off with a litany of 'something is wrong with it, i should have checked it more carefully, how stupid of me, how could i have done something like that, i cant do anything right... etc'.... this will tell you that your core belief is that of not being smart enough and not capable enough. If these are the core beliefs of a person, regardless of their actual accomplishments in life they will have a degree of self-doubts and insecurity. This, then creates a sense of not feeling worth much and hence depression.
I have found journaling to be the most powerful tool for self-exploration. I believe that if one invests in this exercise they will learn about
themselves and eventually will also find the healing answers within themselves. Journal daily for at least half an hour, in a free-flowing style, going off on any tangents the mind brings up... and even though it may feel confusing initially, it will start revealing underlying common threads that are enlightening.
Therapy is very helpful and worth investing in. Sometimes medication may also be necessary as an adjunct to therapy.
I hope this helps, feel free to write again if you have any questions.
Regards
Uzma |
