| Pregnant
Wife, Husband Does Not Want Children
Question
1:
I
am married to a Punjabi from Pakistan.
I finally had a pregnancy test today and I am pregnant.
When I thought that I might be, about a week and a half ago, I
asked him why he forgot to use condoms a couple of times, did he want to
have a child? He said no, he did not want children. But it is too late, as I am.
I cannot tell him. I
cannot and do not want to get an abortion.
I really do not know what to do.
Response:
Congratulations on being pregnant.
Of
course you have to tell your husband that you are pregnant. Whatever his feelings he is responsible for the pregnancy.
It is not unheard of that feelings change when facts change.
No birth-control method is 100% foolproof so this was always a
possibility... especially if he 'forgets' to use it.
If he cannot handle the truth and adjust to the change in
circumstances, then you are dealing with much larger problems than a mere
pregnancy.
Regards
Uzma
Question
2:
Thank you. Since I wrote to you, I DID tell him, and the result of this
are: he refuses to take any
other stand than that I get an immediate abortion, there is no other
alternative that he will hear of. He
is very nasty and argumentative about this, claims I do not love him
because I will not do this, that he needs to have me do this because
"he is not ready " for this child.
I cannot do an abortion. I
really just cannot do it
Response
I am truly sorry to hear about his response.
Have you asked him why he feels he is not ready for children?
Although at this point his reasons, even if valid are irrelevant to
the situation, but it may give you some information that might help you
understand him better and you both might be able to help him overcome his
concerns and fears.
Two issues that arise from this
interaction:
One is that you find out his true nature, he is looking only at
what suits him. I am assuming he is not a young kid. Despite the fears one may have, marriage and sex bring
certain responsibilities with it, one being the possibility of kids.
If he was so against having kids he needed to take the necessary
precautions very very seriously. Now
he needs to grow up and face the facts.
This may take time; he may or may not be able to accept your
position against abortion. It
is not a simple matter of not loving him enough.
That is pure juvenile manipulation on his part.
Anger and nastiness are his way of bullying you into acquiescence.
This may indicate the usual way arguments are resolved between the
two of you and this leads to the second issue.
The second issue is your strength.
How do you deal with disagreements in your relationship?
Do you give in even if it means going against your values?
Does he get his way by expressing anger and leaving no room for
dialogue or compromise? How
willing are you to exercise your strength in your stand against abortion?
Regardless of the consequences
such a disagreement may bring, are you willing to continue to refuse an
abortion as it goes against your values... even if it may lead to divorce
(worst case scenario). Are
you afraid that if he continues to pressure you, you will give in?
Is this the way you usually deal with his pressures in other
situations? These are some
questions you need to ask yourself. These
questions should lead you to look more deeply at your relationship as a
whole... is it unhealthy and abusive?
Is this the kind of relationship you want for the rest of your
life? It is these kinds of
clues in a relationship, that if ignored continue to get worse.
I
hope this helps.
Regards
Uzma Mazhar
Question
3:
thank you. this is really bad. yes, i think you are correct on the way
these conflicts usually resolve. i
am non-confrontational, and that , i guess, is not good. |
