| Intervention Programs for Batterers & Abusers
Abusive men batter women as a means of
power and control, to manipulate, intimidate and rule their intimate
partner.
Men who abuse their partners come from all
races, religions, socioeconomic classes, and areas of the world,
educational levels and occupations.
They often appear charming and attentive to
outsiders, and even to their partners, at first. Many batterers are very
good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable.
Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more
and more abusive.
Abusers Manipulate their Partner,
Families & Society
Abusers often try to manipulate the "system" by:
- Threatening
to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources
and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the
children.
- Changing
lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner's
financial hardship.
- Telling
everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is "crazy"
and making things up.
- Using
the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.
- Telling
police she hit him, too.
- Giving
false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his
partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
- Using
children as leverage to get and control his victim.
Abusers manipulate their partners,
especially after a violent episode.
He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:
- Invoking
sympathy from her, her family and friends.
- Talking
about his "difficult childhood".
- Becoming
overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.
- Bringing
romantic gifts, flowers and dinner.
- Crying,
begging for forgiveness.
- Promising
it will "never happen again."
- Promising
to get counseling, to change.
Abuse gets worse
and more frequent over time
The intensity, duration and
severity of the abuse increases.
Abuse is triggered over minor issues.
Violence is a Learned Behavior
Domestic
violence is a learned behavior.
Victims of abuse do not cause
violence.
The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.
Violence is learned through:
- Observation.
- Experience.
- Culture.
- Family.
- Community
(peer group, school, etc.).
Abuse is not caused by:
Personality disorders, mental illness, and
other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior
must be addressed separately.
- Genetics.
- Alcohol
and drugs.
Many men blame their violence on the
effects of drug and alcohol use. Alcohol abuse is present in about 50
percent of battering relationships. Research shows that alcohol and other
drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause.
Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse
to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the
alcohol does not stop the abuse.
Substance abuse must be treated before or
in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.
- Out-of-control
behavior.
- Anger.
- Stress.
- Behavior
of the victim.
- Problems
in the relationship.
A batterer abuses because he wants to, and
thinks he has a "right" to his behavior.
He may think he is superior to his partner
and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.
Intervention
Perpetrator Intervention Programs For Abusers
Abusers can enter voluntarily or be court ordered to Perpetrator
Intervention Programs.
It is important to note that there are no guarantees that he will change
his violent behavior.
He is the only one that can make the decision--and commitment--to change.
An intervention program should include
these factors:
- Victim's
safety is the priority.
- Meets
minimum standards for weekly sessions (16 weeks).
- Holds
him accountable.
- Curriculum
addresses the root of his problem.
- Makes
no demand on the victim to participate.
- Is
open to input from the victim.
What intervention programs teach:
- Education
about domestic violence
- Changing
attitudes and beliefs about using violence in a relationship.
- Achieving
equality in relationships.
- Community
participation.
In the program, an abuser should become
aware of his pattern of violence and learn techniques for maintaining
nonviolent behavior, such as "time outs" "buddy" phone
calls, support groups, relaxation techniques, and exercise.
How do you know if he is really
changing?
Positive signs include:
- He
has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others
- He
acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong
- He
understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate
you
- You
don't feel afraid when you are with him.
- He
does not coerce or force you to have sex.
- You
can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.
- He
does not make you feel responsible for his anger or frustration.
- He
respects your opinion even if he doesn't agree with it.
- He
respects your right to say "no."
Are you safe while he is in the program?
For your own safety and your children's safety, watch for these signs that
indicate problems while he is in the program:
- Tries
to find you if you've left.
- Tries
to get you to come back to him.
- Tries
to take away the children.
- Stalks
you.
Lies
If you hear your partner making these statements while he is in a
treatment program for abusers, you should understand that he is lying to
himself, and to you.
- "I'm
not the only one who needs counseling."
- "I'm
not as bad as a lot of other guys in there."
- "As
soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."
- "We
need to stay together to work this out."
- "If
I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short
fuse."
- "Now
that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."
Counseling
Couples'
Counseling does NOT work in violent relationships!
If you are struggling with a relationship,
some people may advise you to get marriage counseling, or couples'
counseling. While this can be good advice in some relationships, it is NOT
good for couples where there is violence. In fact,
in many cases, couples' counseling has increased the violence in the home.
Couples' counseling does not work because:
- Couples'
counseling places the responsibility for change on both partners.
Domestic violence is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
- Couples'
counseling works best when both people are truthful. Individuals who
are abusive to their partners minimize, deny and blame, and therefore
are not truthful in counseling.
- Couples
resolve problems in counseling by talking about problems. His abuse is
not a couples problem, it is his problem. He needs to work on it in a
program for abusers.
- A
victim who is being abused in a relationship is in a dangerous
position in couple's counseling. If she tells the counselor about the
abuse, she is likely to suffer more abuse when she gets home. If she
does not tell, nothing can be accomplished.
If you think you will benefit from joint
counseling, go AFTER he successfully completes a batterer's intervention
program and is no longer violent. |
